30 Abbi Crutchfield’s Tweets To Start the Week Right

“If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?”

With all the funny women in the world, we’re going to spotlight another one of our favorite comedians this week.

This time, we’re showing off the work of Abbi Crutchfield, who goes by @curlycomedy on Twitter. The New York City-based comedian can hum and whistle at the same time, which apparently sounds something like a tornado siren.

When she’s not producing weird sounds or performing stand-up, she’s cracking some of the funniest jokes online. Below, we’ve rounded up some of our favorites.

30 Funny Tweets from Abbi Crutchfield

1. What am I doing wrong here?

I can't get rid of my under-eye bags no matter how late I stay up working on a solution.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 28, 2015

2. Terrifying.

I had a nightmare my nugget wouldn't fit into the cup of dipping sauce.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 3, 2012

3. Relatable.

Not even Thomas Jefferson could decide on a selfie. pic.twitter.com/FAyBVJJ1qe
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 30, 2017

4. Can’t. Stop. Sweating.

Nevertheless, she perspired.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 20, 2019

5. Can’t trust the broccoli lobby.

It’s addictive, and it kills you slowly. Sugar is a drug. Yes I may be in the pocket of Big Broccoli.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 25, 2019

6. Please stop fooling me already.

Okay but what if you fool me nine times? It goes back on you, right?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 27, 2019

7. Yeah, stop right there.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 26, 2019

8. Good question.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 2, 2017

9. Not a Drake fan, I see.

Me: Last name Ever, First name Greatest
Starbucks barista: I’m not writing that.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 11, 2018

10. Brilliant plan.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015

11. Strategy is important.

White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 2, 2014

12. I won’t forget.

When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 7, 2012

13. Very, very old.

I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 21, 2011

14. That’s just science.

It's a 'pride' of lions, a 'pack' of wolves and an 'embarrassment' of reality TV stars.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 5, 2012

15. Technically true.

"There are no words." – Early review of my book I haven't started.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 24, 2012

16. OH YEAH.

Dated the Kool-Aid man once. He trashed a lot of hotel rooms, but to his credit he never disagreed with me.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 24, 2012

17. Who do you think I am?

Passed a sign that says, "All you can eat, $30/person" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 17, 2015

18. The truth is revealed.

The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 19, 2013

19. It’s a little darker than Candyland.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 28, 2013

20. All my jokes depend on typos.

I turned auto correct off and now nothing funny ever happens to me.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 9, 2012

21. The 21st century is something else.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012

22. 😉

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 19, 2012

23. Ew.

It's so hot outside the guy across the street's balls are sticking to MY leg.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 21, 2012

24. Can we finally admit oysters are gross?

The world is your oyster! Stinky. Expensive. Scary-looking.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012

25. I feel personally attacked.

Bed Bath & Beyond is like a liberal arts college. You don't know what you want when you enter or leave but you spent way too much.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 22, 2012

26. Checkmate.

If it's so normal and well-intended, why don't men tell other men to smile?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 31, 2014

27. That’s when shit gets real.

👨🏽Let's take our relationship to the next level.
👩🏽This is where I hope you mean something romantic but
👨🏽Let's get a Costco membership!!
👩🏽
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 13, 2015

28. Nobody actually enjoys celery, right?

It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013

29. TRIPPY.

I was nervous about trying mushrooms at a party. I mean they were canned for crying out loud.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 7, 2017

30. Can I just stay in here forever?

No one takes baths because it’s impossible to know when they’re over.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 5, 2019

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Mac McCann

I’m Mac McCann, a social media expert and writer based in Austin, Texas.

I can be found on Twitter at @macmccanntx or at my site, Mac McCann.

I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.