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Home » Lifestyle » Entertainment

Your July 2019 Horoscopes Are Here!

By Sean Peecook | July 1, 2019 | Updated on July 22, 2020 | Leave a Comment
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Funny Horoscopes July - Beach with Pink Sand

It’s Cancer horoscope season! We don’t know what that means, but we really hope it doesn’t mean everyone gets crabs. That would be unfortunate.

Enjoy reading this month’s funny horoscopes brought to you by our resident astrologist, Sean Peecook! Then, cool your nerves with a waffle ice cream sandwich.

Funny Horoscopes July - Beach with Pink Sand

Your Funny July 2019 Horoscopes

Cancer

Things will go according to plan for you today. You need more ambitious plans. 

 

Leo

There’s something on your mind that you’re not exactly sure how to express. Why doesn’t Paul Rudd seem to age?

 

Virgo

Unexpected people may appear from your past. Things get weirder when you discover they’re also from the future.

 

Libra

You’ll briefly consider new ways of living when watching one of those Tiny Chef videos and order thousands of dollars in dollhouse furniture.

 

Scorpio

Don’t be upset if things don’t go as planned. Meet back at the safehouse and wait for further instructions. 

 

Sagittarius

Are you getting back what you’re giving in your relationships? Signup for Starbucks Rewards today.

 

Capricorn

People aren’t mind readers, which means nobody knows you have a secret collection of three hundred porcelain mugs… until now.

 

Aquarius

You’re never as alone as you think. Your FBI guardian angel is watching you at all times.

 

Pisces

Remember, setbacks aren’t the end of the world. That’s not for another twenty years or so. 

 

Aries

The rational half of your brain is going to take the month off. Seems a good time to check out our most wanted gift guide.

 

Taurus

Romance can be hard when someone sees life through a different filter than you. Did you know some people have never seen Seinfeld?

 

Gemini

Your spirit feels renewed and you’re ready to be productive. Just in time for Stranger Things to come out!

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Sean Peecook
Sean Peecook
Sean Peecook is a tall and silly copywriter and comedian from Chicago, Illinois. See him on the stage at Second City, or at the theater watching the next Paddington movie alone. You can find him on Twitter at @notgreganymore.
Sean Peecook
Latest posts by Sean Peecook (see all)
  • Your Horoscope for December - December 1, 2019
  • Your July 2019 Horoscopes Are Here! - July 1, 2019
  • Your June Horoscopes! - June 1, 2019
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