The goop Gift Guide for 2019 is here! And, despite the new addition of under $100 gifts — is this a sign Chad and Martha will have to sell the Maserati?! — it’s also full of some of the most ridiculous items you never knew existed. Until now.
goop is in on the joke this year, and didn’t hold back on roasting themselves inside their “Ridiculous But Awesome” section of the larger gift guide, which includes “A trip to space, because hot-air balloon rides are so last year.”
Sure it includes a BDSM kit from provocative purveyors Kiki de Montparnasse, but you can also buy a $25k kit that will make music from your plants screaming at you to water them. Or, buy a vacation package that costs more than a million dollars. Or get yourself your own Iron Man suit that lets you fly up to 12,000 feet above the ground. (Nice touch, Piper.)
But, what will be this year’s jade egg? Read on to find out.
The 20 Craziest Items in the 2019 Goop Gift Guide
1. Taschen Lunar Rock Edition of Norman Mailer’s MoonFire
What Is It? A $257,000 book. “Comes with meteorite.”
For starters, it took me a solid minute or so to realize that this was, in fact, a book. I know Taschen is a publisher of overpriced books that wealthy people use to decorate their homes instead of actually reading them, but the $275,000 price tag and “Discovery site: North West African corridor” threw me pretty hard.
If you would like a coffee table book and a rock, it can be yours for just under 300k. Keep in mind, there are only 12 of these books (exclusive!), most have somehow sold already, and the rock comes from the moon (exotic). If you just want to read it, I found a used copy of the book for $6.
2. Gravity Industries Flight Suit Training
What Is It? Start training to be Iron Man for $6,450
We haven’t wanted to start a GoFundMe so fast as when we laid eyes on this gravity-defying jet suit created by Richard Browning. Do you want to fly or do you want to be invisible? Well, the first one is happening. No time to explain, get in the suit.
3. May Lindstrom The Blue Cocoon
What Is It? A nearly-$200 blue balm for your face
This was positioned as one of those “if you know, you know” products and I definitely don’t know so I either don’t need it or I’m too poor for it. It is said to “coddle” your skin, so if your skin needs a little coddling (Is it Millennial skin? JK, please don’t “OK boomer” me), you’ll want some blue balm. There there little snowflake.
4. Robinson Pelham Diamond Necklace
What Is It? A $20,000 diamond “identity necklace”
Because how will you even know who you are without it? As goop says, “We’re choked up just thinking about it.”
5. Momentum Adventure, The Journey To Nature’s Edge Expedition
What Is It? $1,300,000 of fancy-pants adventures
Is there a word in the English language for “?!?!” Because that’s how I’m feeling about this. The Momentum Adventure package is for a 12 “endangered species-focused trips.” That part’s fine, but this “bespoke luxury adventure travel” will cost you $1.3M minimum. It was also described by Conde Nast Traveler as “The Savile Row of experiences” a phrase that caused our entire office to spontaneously barf.
6. Virgin Galactic Seat to Space
What Is It? An actual trip to space
Somehow this trip (as of now) costs less than the bespoke luxury adventure travel. The catch? It’s sold out. “At present, all seats released at the $250,000 price band have been reserved by our Future Astronauts.” Now what are we gonna do with all this freeze-dried ice cream?
goop describes it as “a creamy, purifying scent that makes a quiet space feel like your sanctuary.” Honestly, at this point, anything that eliminates the smell of cat from our house sounds great.
8. Normatec Boots
What Is It? $1,295 boots to help you recover from your workouts faster
Normatec boots use compression technology to help with circulation and recovery (they can reduce swelling, inflammation, and soreness). After my last race, I got a Normatec session and it was a game-changer. If you’ve got the money, this is a super tight gift for the runners in your family. See, money really does buy love!
9. Safe-T Brass Fire Extinguisher
What Is It? A $250 fire extinguisher
Everything in your home should be luxe, and after we left the pasta on the stove too long last month we discovered fire extinguishers are a mandatory requirement in homes. Don’t let an ugly, red, basic extinguisher cramp your aesthetic. It also comes in rose gold (which they call “copper”).
10. Petrossian Special Reserve Kaluga Huso Hybrid
What Is It? $16,000 kilo of caviar
They say sex sells, but these are some expensive sex cells! Even goop identifies this gift as “eggspensive.” This caviar costs around $64 a teaspoon and charges you $1 each time to smell it. Instead of eating a kilo of fish eggs for $16,000, consider eating a kilo of chicken eggs for perhaps $5. Invest the remaining $15,995. Savvy!
11. Naya Traveler Culinary Journey Through Spain
What Is It? A 10-day culinary journey through Spain that starts at the cheap cheap price of $12,000 per person.
This gift is an absolute dream for two reasons: One, Spain rules. Two, you’re off the hook for presents for at least five years. Maybe seven.
12. Glacce Smoky Quartz Water Bottle
What Is It? An $80 water bottle with a crystal spike in it that was designed by Glacce “after Leslie had a prophetic dream.”
As goop says, “If you’re carrying a water bottle with you from sunrise yoga to sunset rides back from the office, might as well make it one that wards off negative energies.” And it’s dishwasher safe!
13. La Bouche Rouge Nude Red
What Is It? A refillable $164 red lipstick
Nothing says “let’s get it on” quite like a red lip that cost nearly $200. “Still tastes like wax.” — your girlfriend.
14. Sir Kensington’s Special Sauce
What Is It? A really delicious $6 burger sauce.
This “Special Sauce” is in the Men’s Gift Guide and I feel cheated. Kind of like when Leslie Mann was crying in the street saying “I like Spider-Man” in Knocked Up. I like sauce! Oh, no, no bun please. Lettuce wrap only.
15. Boska Raclette Quattro 110V Concrete Base
What Is It? The fanciest way to get cheese into your mouth. Non-returnable.
My first reaction to seeing this was “what in the actual f*k is this?” And, after reading the description, my thoughts were “what in the actual f*k is this?” The description of the raclette melter says “you want the wheel of cheese to melt under a chic ceramic cap.” But to be frank, I want the wheel of cheese to melt in my mouth. So, I think I will save the $200 and just buy brie instead.
16. Aura Chef Aura One Redwood & Turquoise
What Is It? A $750 knife
I don’t think an explanation is necessary.
17. Data Garden Custom Plant Music Installation
What Is It? Plant music! White people amirite.
Let it be known that, in 2019, we reached peak plant. Now it’s not enough to have plants or enjoy plant medicine. Because for $25,000, you can buy “immersive plant music installations” that “help your plants sing!” (Please don’t let it be opera.)
Data Garden says they have “translated micro fluctuations in conductivity on the surface of a leaf into MIDI that could control hardware and software synthesizers. This MIDI data was then translated into harmonious music.” The mushrooms, man, they’re saying stuff. Mostly, “please water us.”
18. Surya Spa Retreat
What it is: A 7-day spa package coming in at $665 per day
Because $666 would give the wrong impression.
19. Dr. Dennis Gross DRX SPECTRALITE™ FACEWARE PRO
What it is: A rose gold Daft-Punk-meets-skincare mask
This $435 LED mask that comes complete with a user manual doesn’t just “minimize lines, clear breakouts, calm redness, and rejuvenate tired skin.” It’s great for terrifying small children and animals too!
20. Mill Scale Offset Smoker
What Is It? A $33,000 fast-track to the best ribs you’ll ever have.
When you’re ready to take your pitmaster skills to the next level, this offset smoker should do the trick. Just ignore the fact that it’s larger than your actual apartment.