Halloween isn’t just the most fun holiday of the year — it’s also the funniest. Which is why we put together this collection of Halloween jokes. Our inability to contemplate death seriously is why we give Jack-o’-lanterns big, goofy grins and dance to “The Monster Mash” once a year.
And while laughter is the best medicine for most seasons, we need this year’s Halloween to be an overdose of hilarity, because three days later is the election.
Too dark for ya? Fear not, fair Sexy Poop Emojis and other costumed disasters. We’ll limit the gallows humor to Thee Intro and lighten things up considerably with these actually funny ha-has. Just don’t come crying to us when your so-called cut-up friend finds they’re no longer the life of the party — on account of you slaying them with your wit and wordplay!
75 Funny Halloween Jokes
- Why do skeletons have low self-esteem? They have no body to love.
- Know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
- What do you call a cleaning skeleton? The grim sweeper.
- What do skeletons order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
- Why didn’t the skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no-body to go with.
- What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game? Tibial Pursuit.
- Why do skeletons make good comedians? They are two humerus.
- Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.
- Why do ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures
- Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat? Boo jeans.
- Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
- Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
- What is in a ghost’s nose? Boo-gers.
- Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!
- I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me.
- What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
- What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream!
- What did the ghost say to the psychiatrist? I used to be somebody.
- What do ghosts call irons? Anti-ageing products.
- Why was the ghost arrested? Possession.
- Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy? At the ghost-ery store!
- Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the other side.
- Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind.
- Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life.
- What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music.
- Why don’t mummies have friends? Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves
- What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery? A lucky stiff!
- What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? Ok, that’s a wrap!
- Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea!
- What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
- Why do witches make great wives? Because they promise a wonderful hex life.
- What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!
- What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
- What do you call two witches who live together? Broom-mates!
- What’s a witch’s favorite makeup? Ma-scare-a.
- What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging? You never know which witch is which!
- Why did the team of witches lose the softball game? Their bats kept flying away.
- What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
- Why did the vampire read the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.
- Why don’t vampires strike at retirement homes? Because everyone’s on blood thinners.
- How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
- What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
- What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
- How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
- What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite
- Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires? I’m the main stakeholder.
- What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common? They both go down for The Count
- What happens when two vampires meet? It’s love at first bite.
Halloween Knock Knock Jokes
- Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Boo! Boo who? Don’t cry … it’s just my Halloween costume!
- Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Phillip! Phillip who? Phillip my bag with Halloween candy, please!
- Knock Knock! Who’s there? Dishes! Dishes who? Dishes a very Halloween bad joke!
- Knock Knock! Who’s there? Bee! Bee who? Bee-ware, there’s a full moon this Halloween!
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? Butter open quick, I have a funny Halloween joke to tell you!
- Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Ben! Ben who? Ben waiting for Halloween all year!
More Halloween Jokes We Were too Lazy to Figure Out a Place For
- Who doesn’t wear a mask on Halloween? Karen
- What do you become when you are in a horror movie? Dead.
- Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts? That’s the spirit!
- Why do cemeteries have walls and fences? Because people are always dying to get in.
- What Halloween candy is never on time for the party? Choco-LATE!
- Do zombies like to eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they like their fingers separate.
- What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist? He got repossessed.
- Why are pumpkins better than men? Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.
- Why did the headless horseman start his own business? To get ahead in life.
- Do you know what grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with margaritas? A sorority house will grow there.
- How do you fix a broken pumpkin? A pumpkin patch.
Halloween Pick-Up Lines That Aren’t Terrible
- It’s scary how good you look.
- Are you a monster? Because you look Frankenfine.
- Looks like the neighbors are giving out snacks tonight.
- You must be made of candy because you look sweet.
- You must be the devil because it just got hot in here.
- I’m not a bat but a night with me will turn your world upside down.
- Are you a Jack-o-lantern? Because you’re lighting up the room.
- Even on Halloween, I promise I won’t ghost you.
- I don’t want your candy, I just want your number.
- I found a great couple’s costume — want to go as the other half?
- Isn’t it spooky how your number isn’t in my phone?
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