Everybody loves jokes. Work? Not so much. It’s always interfering with your time looking at memes. So take a bathroom break, pull this up on your phone, and check out these hilarious tweets.
This week, our list of funny tweets covers toasters, food delivery, family (or lack thereof), hell, heaven, and just about everything in between! Enjoy!
30 Hilarious Tweets That Will Help You Get Through the Week
1. Focus on what really matters.
[at dinner]
Her: how bout we take this back to my place
Me: you mean like you want a to go box
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) June 8, 2019
2. Do toasters really deserve that much power?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) November 26, 2018
3. Our better judgment says 1, but our heart says 2.
It's crab season. Choose your fighter. pic.twitter.com/mhcRGbvRpC
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) June 21, 2019
4. We’ve all been there : \
me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same
customer: can you break this dollar or not man
me: i just want her back
customer: and i just want change
me: u sound just like her
— dustin Couch (@Dustinkcouch) June 18, 2019
5. Adjusting to adulthood is rough.
I’m still alive but I’m barely yeeting
— jay (@userjaymes) June 12, 2019
6. NSFW
might f-bomb around and friggin cuss frick’n weird
— Katrina 🌹 Nobody (@EyeSeeYou619) June 13, 2019
7. The cutest knock knock joke.
We got a doorbell for our dogs to let us know when they want to go outside…this may have been a big mistake.😂😂 pic.twitter.com/swRaC30UXU
— Taylor Harrison (@TaytaynmTaylor) June 12, 2019
8. Including this one just so we can feel better about ourselves.
I actually think it’s very healthy that I‘m on the internet every second of my life
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) June 13, 2019
9. New Tinder bio.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes— The Library Owl 🎄🎅🦉 (@SketchesbyBoze) June 11, 2019
10. Your don’t need this type of negativity in your life.
Doctor: You’re 30lbs overweight
Me: A lot of that’s water weight
Doctor: And you’re severely dehydrated
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 14, 2019
11. WHY DID THEY LIE TO US?
getting forcibly removed from this TJ Maxx over an innocent miscommunication pic.twitter.com/KqjgVLd7q9
— Skoog (@Skoog) June 13, 2019
12. Facebook: Instant ego boost.
*sees somebody on twitter who is more successful than me*
I gotta get off this website
*switches to Instagram and sees someone hotter than me*
Man, fuck this app
*goes on Facebook and sees a guy I went to middle school with is in jail for murder*
There we go
— Samantha Ruddy 👩🍳 (@samlymatters) June 13, 2019
13. Definitely not a robot.
Whenever websites challenge me if I’m human or not, I scream “CAPTCHA ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOUT DAT?!?!”
— 𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 (@callmeEvian) June 14, 2019
14. Priorities.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
— Jeb 🇨🇦 (@LlamaInaTux) June 15, 2019
15. What friends are for.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :')
— Kayleecious🍧 (@TweetsByKaylee) June 17, 2019
16. Can’t get enough of ‘em.
Me leaving Cafe Du Monde after one beignet pic.twitter.com/hydIJQpOpL
— Souf Sil Fa Lil 🏁 (@Nictheegr8) June 16, 2019
17. The classic design.
Me: MY VAN IS MISSING!
911: Description?
Me: Size 13, left, checkered
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 18, 2019
18. FINALLY, GRAMPS!
me: son, this gold watch used to belong to your grandfather, but now it's yours
son: *eyes filling with tears* g-grandpa died?
me: haha no buddy, no *pats him on the head* that bitch owed me money
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) June 18, 2019
19. So snatched tho.
[being murdered]
me: hey
murderer: what
me: i do CrossFit
[later]
detective: it's like the killer vomited while stabbing him
— 👽 (@clichedout) June 15, 2019
20. Oh, is that not what it means?
[1st boxing match]
Coach: What are you gonna do in there?
Me: Keep moving & protect my head.
Coach: What aren't you gonna do in there?
Me: Tell the ref I'm ready to get fisted.— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) June 18, 2019
21. Too soon.
A pack of llamas is called a cria.
A pack of camels is why your dad left.— .Mela. (@mela_shea) June 16, 2019
22. JUST BRING ME THE TACOS!
Sometimes you have to write through the pain pic.twitter.com/OILnN236c8
— Mac Faulkner (@macfaulkner) June 16, 2019
23. Asking the important questions.
How small of a town can it really be if she can take a midnight train that goes anywhere?
— Joke Farmer (@KurtBeardger) May 30, 2018
24. Honestly, we totally get it.
[the rapture]
Jesus: why should i save you
Me: you can leave me but please take my cat, she’s the most important thing in the world to me & she deserves to be saved
Jesus: aww you’ll both join me
Boyfriend: what about me?
Me to Jesus: *shakes head no*
Jesus: heaven’s full
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) June 15, 2019
25. We smell a conspiracy.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening pic.twitter.com/ECEussEEoa
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 14, 2019
26. Our real name is Inigo Montoya.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
— Conajam (@conajam) June 14, 2019
27. AWKWARD.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don't know anyone else here I feel awkward
— Danya (@dxxnya) December 4, 2018
28. The horror.
Y’all don’t know what it was like before memes. One joke from Billy Madison had to last you like 5 years
— LxDx (@wokestbloke) June 18, 2019
29. It sounded great at the time, we swear!
Me drafting tweets when i’m drunk: this is hilarious!
Me reading drafts when i’m sober: potango: a love story of a potato and a mango
— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) June 19, 2019
30. Ducking hilarious.
duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust
me: no
duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh
me: it'll make you sick
duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) June 12, 2019
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I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.
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