Loud and wild sex is fun, but sometimes you want – or need – to have quiet sex. Maybe your in-laws insisted on staying over. Maybe you don’t want to wake up your dog who will want to be let outside immediately. Or get a knock on the door from your kids.
Or maybe you’re trying out A Quiet Place-themed roleplay scenario. We can’t get caught by the monsters, John Krasinski!
7 Tips for Having Quiet Sex
1. Get a good mattress and quiet bed frame
As soon as somebody hears the rhythmic squeaking of an old bed frame, it’s basically a sex alarm. And your mattress with the springs that stab you in your sleep is loud and creaky…and hurts almost as bad as the tetanus shot you’ll need after.
For instance, GhostBed has plenty of mattress options to keep your sexy time quiet and comfortable.
They specialize in supportive, gel memory foam mattresses — like their popular GhostBed Luxe — that are designed to keep you cool while you heat things up with your partner. You won’t find any prodding springs here. Hopefully that wasn’t a turn-on.
They even have a selection of quiet bed frames. Try out the classic All-in-One Foundation frame, or splurge for the Adjustable Base frame that can move into an infinite number of ergonomic positions. Talk about having the ride of your life.
2. Have sex across the bed
Even with a good mattress, there still are a few techniques to reduce the amount of noise your bed makes while you’re shaking it like a Polaroid picture. Try lying across the bed, so your feet are parallel to the headboard.
Since it’s not the usual way you move while doing it, you won’t be hitting the same old squeaky spots and the headboard won’t bang against the wall. Hopefully you’re not trying to have sex on a twin bed. But that probably wasn’t going to work in the first place.
3. Take it to the floor
If your bed is still squeaky no matter which way you ride it, hit the floor and get low. Having sex on the floor is much quieter than rocking your bed.
And humping on the floor feels sexy and primal. Put out that yoga mat that’s been collecting dust in your closet for cushioning.
4. Keep your mouth shut
Moaning, gasping, panting, and shouting “harder, faster” makes a lot of noise. Instead, make a game out of being as quiet as possible. Keep your mouth closed and breathe out your nose so you won’t be tempted to scream and shout.
Bite on a pillow or a Costco muffin, or get kinky with and use a gag.
5. Use more foreplay
The loudest part of sex is generally shaking the bed by thrusting. Kissing, stroking, fingering, and licking are just as fun, but much less disruptive.
If you take your time with foreplay before you start any thrusting, it will help build up to a quicker–and way better–orgasm. That means less loud banging while you’re banging. Sorry, Ricky Martin. We’re not listening to you this time.
6. Fill the room with other noises
Cover up the sex noises by making different, slightly louder noises. It doesn’t necessarily make the sex quiet, but at least you can cover up the sounds of sex.
Try running a fan, playing some music, or putting on a TV show. When Netflix asks if you’re still watching, lie. We’re no Chidi Anagonye, but we’re pretty sure it’s fine in this case.
7. Use the right toys
When you break out the box of sex toys, pick out the non-vibrating ones. Buzzing is a dead giveaway–nobody is going to believe you were brushing with your electric toothbrush for that long. Especially when you haven’t even bothered to go to a dentist in two years.
5 of the Best Quiet Sex Positions
1. Doggy Laying Down
The receiving partner lays on their stomach and the penetrating partner lays on top of them, so you’re in doggy style but reeeally close together. You get the deep penetration of the doggy position without the loud thrusting. Or the knee pain!
2. Sideways Missionary
For sideways missionary, lie on your sides face to face for super intimate sex. Since you’re close, you don’t need to thrust too much and movement is minimal. And since your faces are close together, it’s easier to communicate quietly, like saying “shut up shut up SHUT UP!”. Also, “wanna get pizza after this?”
3. Mutual Masturbation
Masturbation is already fun, and it’s even more fun with your own private show: your partner having their own fun. Whether you keep your hands to yourselves or give each other a hand, it’s easier to stay quiet when you don’t have to move anything except your hands. Orange you glad we’re done saying hands?
The penetrating partner sits cross legged and the receiving partner sits on their lap facing them. By wrapping their legs around the penetrating partner, the receiving partner gets deep penetration without having to bounce up and down like a cowgirl. Yee-naw.
In the 69 position, one partner lies on their back while the other straddles their face looking towards, so both partners can perform oral sex on each other. Since your mouths are full, you’re less likely to make noise. John Krasinski will be so proud.
This post is sponsored by GhostBed, but all text and opinions are Let’s Eat Cake’s.