This week, our comedian spotlight is on Dana Donnelly — aka @danadonly on Twitter — who grew up in the Silicon Valley and now lives in LA. The self-proclaimed “crop top comedian” writes and acts and performs at clubs and theaters around LA. Shortly after graduating from college, HBOAccess selected her to develop a pilot for their Writing Fellowship. In it, the guy she likes texts her back.
Spoiler alert!
25 Funny Tweets from Dana Donnelly
1. If he doesn’t like ’em all, why are you even with him?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 4, 2019
2. Goals.
what my grandma doesn’t seem to understand is that while i may not “have a boyfriend” i have “fucked all the hosts of one podcast”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 12, 2019
3. Seriously, what year is this? No, really. 2015?
sir i am a millennial and this is what happens when you don’t take rent via venmo pic.twitter.com/jWVTrb69gs
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 11, 2019
4. We’re v good at spotting red flags. Yep, none here!
im dating someone who asks me when my 17 year old sister turns 18 every single time we hang out. i deserve better. this guy clearly has a hard time remembering birthdays, and i don’t wanna be disappointed on mine.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) June 12, 2019
5. Weird. We didn’t see that coming.
im rarely political, but thought i’d share my thoughts on russia:
the tv show “the americans” in which keri russell plays a hot KGB agent inspired my bf to break up w me to join the CIA, now he’s undercover at his parents’ house in utah as a guy who dates a goth 19 year old.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 16, 2019
6. Don’t start on our DIY facemasks.
you’re not “adulting”, you’re 24 and you’re chewing mint gum before u drink luke warm tap water to make it taste cold instead of buying ice cube trays
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 26, 2019
7. Please. Tell me more about your TPS reports.
i hate networking because i have a really hard time talking to men i’m not attracted to
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 16, 2019
8. Common mistake.
just found out the guy im dating is married. wild. i always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 7, 2019
9. Next you’re going to tell me we have to answer the door when Postmates arrives.
im so lazy during sex that i had a boyfriend refuse to use handcuffs w me bc he didn’t want me to have “more of an excuse to not move”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 1, 2019
10. You’re such an Aries.
guys are like “i love my mom we’re so close” and then u tell them to download costar so u can see your exact astrological compatibility and suddenly it’s all “what? i can’t ask her for my birth time. that’s so weird”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 16, 2019
11. Wait, should we be?
hear me out. it’s the notebook, but instead of heartfelt letters every day for a year, they’re text messages that say “wyd” every other month for a year, and instead of them getting married in the end, she just learns that he never even saved her number in his phone.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 15, 2019
12. Does he not know the half plus seven rule?
my ex who’s 30 just told me he’s dating a 21 year old. horrible. i was like “babe, you’re better than that. find someone more age appropriate. what about that 29 year old you cheated on me w? she seemed great.”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 8, 2019
13. Plot twist: one of them is on Tinder.
next time u see a couple at dinner sitting in silence on their phones and think “oh, how sad,” just know that he is looking at sports news and she is scrolling through his twitter likes looking for something to be mad about and this actually makes them both very happy.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 7, 2019
14. Win none. Also lose none?
the world is very unfair. some people make too much money, while other people don’t make enough. some boys are not obsessed with me, while other boys are also not obsessed with me.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 6, 2019
15. Growth.
i am too old to keep dating guys who tell me they don’t want to be my boyfriend. it’s about time i start dating guys who tell me they don’t want to be my husband.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 7, 2019
16. Meanwhile, back on MySpace…
tried giving an older therapist a chance, but when she said “i think it’s unproductive to try to surpass the guy you’re dating’s ex in instagram friends” i was like, lol, they’re called followers, you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 11, 2019
17. We’re intrigued.
when a man follows me on instagram and doesn’t immediately go like All my old swimsuit photos, just Most of them? im like, dam ok. looks like we got a personality guy on our hands.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 9, 2019
18. It’s #25 on Cosmo’s list of signs he likes you back. Go check. We’ll wait.
you know a guy is your boyfriend if you are in a museum and you hear an employee ask him to “please tell your girlfriend to stop touching the paintings,” and he doesn’t scream “SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 15, 2019
19. Maybe we shouldn’t leave him on read so often.
i realized i was a bad girlfriend when my ex started therapy and i was like “fuck, the therapist is gonna tell him to break up w me” then the therapist didn’t tell him to break up w me and i was like “that’s a bad therapist”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 10, 2019
20. He’s probably just busy at work.
things i have done to distract myself while waiting for a boy to text me back
-called a friend
-painted my nails
-gone backpacking in the wyoming wilderness for literally 30 days despite never having hiked or camped before— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 7, 2019
21. Thanks for coming to our TED talk.
crazy how some white guys are so scared of seeming racist that when i ask them if im their first non-white girlfriend they totally just avoid the question by reminding me that im not their girlfriend.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 9, 2019
22. Movement is overrated.
while i believe the pacsun cashier omitting the question “back to school shopping?” while ringing me up, despite asking the five girls in line before me, was likely an oversight, i will be making a botox appointment asap.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 5, 2019
23. We mean, no. But yes. But no.
how hot a guy is 100% dictates how i expect to be treated. if you’re an actor on a CW show? fine. text me twice a year at 2 AM. if you’re 5’7” and you have a weird body? you better show up to our first date w an engagement ring, begging me to let you drive me to the airport.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 2, 2019
24. You can always count on mom to say the right things.
when i am sad about a boy i like to facetime my mom and she tells me she loves me and not to get worked up about something so silly and also have i gained weight?
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 28, 2019
25. Too soon?
ok hear me out, handmaid’s tale, but the men are the handmaids, and the handmaids don’t exist to have babies but instead to like your instagram posts – does this sound good to anyone else?
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 17, 2019
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I can be found on Twitter at @macmccanntx or at my site, Mac McCann.
I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.
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