“Why send sexy pics to dudes for validation when you can update your FB photo and instantly get hundreds of compliments from your middle aged aunts?”
I’m not the only one looking at jokes instead of actually doing my day job right now, right? Tweets > spreadsheets. Ready to read some tweets from some of the funniest women we know? Ok, get ready… set… go!
The 50 Funniest Tweets from Women to Distract You from Work
1. BAD DOG!!
"yo they lookin for u outside, i bit a kid." pic.twitter.com/g3BKz2eHvp
— pauline 🍒 (@iicywifey) June 30, 2019
2. I mean Mark Zuckerberg has already has all my info anyways, right?
"faceapp has your photo now and can use it against you!" – white people who spit in a tube and sent it to a strange factory to learn they are in fact from europe
— Paige Skinner (@paginaskinner) July 20, 2019
3. Real cats >>> creepy animated cats.
I want a realistic Cats movie where it’s just 2 hours of cats sitting in various boxes and one eventually throws up after 30 minutes of heaving
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) July 18, 2019
4. No more yard work for me.
“It’s over for you hoes,” I sigh, giving up my gardening career forever
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) July 17, 2019
5. But not the pickles. I’ll keep those, thanks.
“Part of self care is protecting my energy and realizing what I don’t want and finding the courage to let people know.” – me sending back the side of tuna I ordered
— chrissymeds (@chrissymeds) July 9, 2019
6. I want to be healthy, but not that bad.
Doctor: most of your medical issues could be solved with a healthy diet and exercise
Me: pic.twitter.com/mOzwjAN1ET
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) July 12, 2019
7. It do be like that.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: It be like that sometimes
Therapist: No
— Sabrina (@stfu_sabs) July 8, 2019
8. Let’s find you a safe space.
Cop: it was a brutal, bloody murder. whoever did this is a sick person.
Millennial detective: omg who did this 😭😭😭
Cop: that’s….that’s why we called you
— all the time mais (@maisondecris) July 22, 2019
Read Next: 30 Amazing Tweets to Read When You’re Bored At Work
9. Yeah, it’s terrible.
7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?"
Me "Yes"
7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 20, 2015
10. Wait for it.
every woman has an innate maternal instinct pic.twitter.com/yllceTobcp
— elle (@pale_greenpants) July 15, 2019
11. Yep, that sums it up.
couple: we met on Bumble/Hinge/Coffee Meets Bagel!
me: how pure🥺they were just 2 souls seeking companionship in this bleak ruthless universe and found each other! soul mates!
couple: we met on Tinder
me: so u guys were horny as fuck and then happened to end up dating uh cool
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) March 25, 2019
12. Seems reasonable to me.
boys will be like, “we can’t date bc idk if I can give you the attention you deserve :/” bro, you already are, I just want you to stop also fucking that girl that’s prettier than me named samantha or whatever
— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) July 17, 2019
13. Cats are weird.
My favorite thing about the #Cats trailer is that it didn’t awaken anything (new) in me, sexually. So. Phew.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 19, 2019
14. I need all the help I can get.
can one of the russians looking through my photos please tell me which ones to use on dating apps i’m having no luck so far
— b (@doyalikebaileys) July 18, 2019
15. Somebody check on him.
"no, officer, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. yes, I'm terribly worried" pic.twitter.com/Mot2giYC3I
— The Library Owl 🌻🧙♀️🦉 (@SketchesbyBoze) February 7, 2018
16. Productivity!
Tonight I'm "packing for my trip", which means I've spent the past two hours sitting on a giant pile of laundry in front of a completely empty suitcase staring at my phone
— ErBear (@Rica_Bee) November 20, 2018
17. Yeah, take THAT!
see you in hell you stupid fruit pic.twitter.com/damHdR5E7j
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) October 5, 2017
18. Seriously though.
my mom has literally 80 cool whip containers that she uses as tupperware and yet I’ve never seen her put cool whip on anything. where are these containers coming from. what is happening here. what is this story.
— madrigal (@whatmaddness) June 26, 2019
19. Never forget.
Couldn’t sleep, I can’t stop remembering the Titans.
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@SJSchauer) July 3, 2019
20. Do they actually wanna sell any or nah?
my favorite part of a massive summer sale is how all the jeans are a size 25
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 12, 2019
21. But he totally takes it off beforehand so it’s ok.
Being in an open relationship saved my partnership. nothing makes you appreciate your man like fucking a dude with a necklace
— Chelsea Frank (@ChelseaSFrank) June 9, 2018
22. Don’t let me down.
if all of the women i’ve met in bar bathrooms aren’t doing well i swear to god
— kate (@kaiteasley) July 13, 2019
23. Ah shit, here we go again.
(opening my god damn email) there better not be any god damn emails in here
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 8, 2019
24. GOOD BEAN JUICE.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast— Paige Alena (@itspaigealena) October 4, 2018
25. Dude, I love you.
I'm calling you dude but like def in a romantic way
— airhead mere (@merestromb) June 23, 2016
26. We’ve all been there.
enjoying a nice pedialyte on the rocks this fine morning
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 5, 2019
27. She’s a bad guy.
billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of
— not a chill girl (@notchillgirl) June 12, 2019
28. Dads never stop asking.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
— madi brews (@madicrews8) April 3, 2019
29. So that’s how they came about…
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) November 23, 2018
30. But really what is it.
guys are like “i love my mom we’re so close” and then u tell them to download costar so u can see your exact astrological compatibility and suddenly it’s all “what? i can’t ask her for my birth time. that’s so weird”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 16, 2019
31. It sure is warm down here.
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me?
— Alice "Defund the Police" Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) February 25, 2019
32. Why does my body hate me?
Me: So tired. So weak. Am I incurably sick? Is this the end
My body: The only green thing you've eaten in weeks was an Andes Mint.
Me: Why, cruel world? Why me
Body: You sleep 4 hours a night.
Me: Oh mortality, the cruelest mistress.
Body: Maybe go for a walk? Just one
— ᎽÆᏞ (ᴀɴᴛɪfᴀ ᴠᴘ) (@elle91) July 1, 2019
33. Rude.
When Someone Leaves Me on Read:
-childish
-immature
– a hate crimeWhen I Leave Someone on Read:
-normal
-having standards
-self care 💅🏻— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) July 20, 2019
34. Now who are they gonna call?
St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right?
God: yes
Jesus: sure
Holy Ghost: absolutely not
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 7, 2019
35. Nothing bad will happen, right?
clock: go to bed
brain: google marmosets i dare you
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 18, 2019
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36. When your FBI guy steals your phone again.
iPhone Pedometer: You’ve taken 29 steps today.
Me: [from my wheelchair] “When?!”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 12, 2019
37. I’ll never be able to watch Superman the same way.
Superman's What I call
Headquarters my box
🤝
Fortress of Solitude— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) May 27, 2019
38. Lies.
are there people who can just wake up with one singular alarm or is that some myth perpetuated by hollywood
— m (@okaishawty) July 22, 2019
39. Fancy, fancy!
DATE: I want to date someone that appreciates the best things in life
ME: [to waiter] Bring me your finest Doritos & a bottle of Mountain Dew for the table, please
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) February 17, 2019
40. Friendship requires sacrifices. (And reading more of her great Tweets)
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) July 4, 2019
41. MORE PUPPIES!!!
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 11, 2015
42. And it’s not you, Grape-Nuts.
You’re wearing the same dress, and one of you needs to go home and change. pic.twitter.com/gqAtESJNCH
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 14, 2019
43. So much fashion.
Ah, the manatee vs the manacardigan, a very subtle difference. pic.twitter.com/Ab9FmALFEW
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) December 21, 2018
44. Dating is hard.
tinder convos like:
*matched with jake on 2/3/18*
Saturday 2/3/18 1:45pm
Jake: hey 🙂Saturday 2/3/18 4:27pm
Me: hi! how’s your day going?Thursday 4/25/19 7:12am
Jake: not too bad, you?— Laurazepam (@andlikelaura) April 25, 2019
45. Wow so much work.
[buying something online that in the pre-internet era I would’ve had to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and leave the house to do]
Website: you have to go get your wallet now
Me: this is bullshit
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) April 26, 2019
46. Balloons are assholes.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
47. Thirsty yet?
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
— Lisa 🏳️🌈🇨🇦 (@xLiserx) October 7, 2017
48. Thanks, Carol.
Why send sexy pics to dudes for validation when you can update your FB photo and instantly get hundreds of compliments from your middle aged aunts
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 11, 2018
49. Not this again. (More funny tweets from @Megatronic13 here!)
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) July 18, 2019
50. I feel personally attacked.
you can tell how sad someone was at school by how much they attached themselves onto their English teachers for a sense of stability
— Bella Biddle (@simsalabella) June 17, 2019
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I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.
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