Your Funny April Horoscopes

It’s April! It’s also, coincidentally, April Fool’s Day as well as the start of a new quarter, month, week… all on the 1st! Seems like a good time to commit to something new. We committing to watering our plants regularly. It makes their plastic leaves super shiny!

Also, did you know that in traditional tarot decks, the Fool represents new beginnings, new ways of looking at things, and fearlessness? It’s true! While we go polish our crystals, take a moment to find out what else is in the stars for you this month.

Funny April Horoscopes 2019 — *Credit: Flowers by Masaaki Komori.*

Your Funny April Horoscopes

Capricorn

You may not always have the best luck in romance. Maybe stop hanging out in front of the Scientology building.

Aquarius

Venus enters Pisces this month, which puts you in a romantic yet private but also adventurous mood. Book a solo session at a rock climbing gym with that hot instructor.

Pisces

It’s important to take life one day at a time so as to not disrupt the space-time continuum.

Aries

You may find it difficult to connect with others today. No matter how hard you try, nobody is going to get behind this Flat Earth thing.

Taurus

Today is a day to take action. Jump out of a moving vehicle, do the tuck and roll, and call for backup. Those ambulances should be arriving any moment now.

Gemini

Perfection doesn’t exist, but you can do better than someone that doesn’t have their mattress on the floor. This better not be you. Mom! I’m writing these horoscopes!

Cancer

Consulting the stars can help answer the big questions in your life. Ariana Grande and Ellen DeGeneres always have good advice.

Leo

Large social gatherings can seem intimidating, but showing up to tonight’s witches’ sabbath could pay off with the High Priestess in a few hundred years.

Virgo

Your spontaneous and romantic sector is illuminated, encouraging you to travel. Your financial sector strongly disagrees.

Libra

You may decide to make your own rules today, ruining Monopoly for everyone.

Scorpio

Love and romance are in the air tonight. Or maybe that’s tacos. We can’t tell the difference.

Sagittarius

Your eternal search for passion and fire in your life will lead you to buy another $40 candle.

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Sean Peecook

Sean Peecook is a tall and silly copywriter and comedian from Chicago, Illinois. See him on the stage at Second City, or at the theater watching the next Paddington movie alone. You can find him on Twitter at @notgreganymore.