March is coming in hot! Some might say like a lion, or one of the coldest winters in the last decade in Los Angeles. Really, they’re the same thing. Anyway, happy birthday, Pisces. Try not to weep all over the horoscopes this month, ok?
We asked our resident funny horoscope expert to tell us what’s in the stars for you in March. And everyone else, Pisces. Stop being a narcissist. (That’s Leo’s job.)
Without further ado, here are your funny horoscopes for March 2019!
Your March Horoscopes for 2019
It’s never too late to achieve your dreams, unless you want to be an Olympian. Actually… how do you feel about bobsledding?
Expect a setback when city council is not on board with your public transportation by waterslide idea.
A new romance could bloom at work this month, which is strange because you freelance at home.
You can learn a lot from a person just by listening, like you are parked in a bike lane and need to move.
Your ability to stand-up for your decisions is admirable, especially when you are 100% in the wrong.
It can be easy to get carried away this month. One moment, you’ll be unwinding before bed, the next moment you’re 31 episodes into The Office.
Remember that it’s okay to deviate from the recipe, but not everything should be chicken picatta.
You won’t see eye-to-eye with someone at work today, prompting you to buy a step stool.
The moon enters Sagittarius, provoking deep questions from within you. Like, is The Container Store a container itself? (Yes.)
You might find yourself feeling anxious or nervous this month. It might have to do with the coffee IV you’ve been on since January, but probably not.
Money is on your mind today. And everyday. Welcome to America.
Loss can be hard to process. Just put the succulent in the compost bin and walk away.