Some people love Valentine’s Day. And some people only see it as a hurdle we have to get over before candy goes on super sale. In either case, it’s hard to avoid both the sincere and funny Valentine’s Day gifts lining store shelves and your Instagram feed.
When everything is some variation of red hearts and pink flowers, all the gift ideas start to blur together. Enter: us. The heroes who have compiled a bunch of off-the-wall, out-of-the-ordinary, maybe-don’t-open-this-in-public gifts for you to give to your significant other.
Or for yourself. We won’t judge. Unless you actually like those candy hearts. In which case: what happened to make you hate your taste buds so much?
20 Funny Valentine’s Day Gifts
1. You Make My Heart Go Boom Ammo Box, $46.89
This is a genuine ammo can that customers can personalize. Think of the possibilities! “Just wanted to shoot my shot,” “you’re the bomb diggity,” or, “I promise I won’t explode early…this time.”
The contents aren’t included, so feel free to load it up with chocolate, teddy bears, or puppies. Just don’t put those little guys in too early.
Available at Personalization Mall
2. Best Thing On The Internet Candle, $44.12
Candles themselves aren’t an unusual Valentine’s gift. But we love that this one leans into the real way people meet each other these days.
You know, by going on a Tinder date and both being too awkward to end things, so you just accept that this is your life now. And sure, he’s kind of weird and his feet smell, but he’s your Robbie. A match made in 2023.
Available at Bonanza
3. When I’m Not Drunk Mug, $17.99
We’re skeptical, but we’ll take it. We’re dreamers, after all. And this prosecco is strong.
Available at 90s Drinkware
4. Beef Jerky Flower Bouquet, $89
Regular flowers? Save that for knitting clubs and hoity-toity restaurants.
This Valentine’s Day, shower your boo with meat flowers. They’ll be able to get their protein in while they brush up on their botany. And then hopefully take a regular shower after that meat shower.
Available at Manly Man Co
5. Checklist Blanket, $41.99
Nothing like waking up to some daily affirmations! You can customize the names on this blanket. Or, just leave them as “his name” and “her name” if you want to start a fight.
Available at Greatest Custom
6. Naughty Jellies, $9.31+
Did you know that you can get sweet jelly treats in an assortment of shapes including, but not limited to: cherry-flavored vaginas, fruity boobs, and cola-flavored penises.
Does it sound like Willy Wonka-inspired porn? Yes. But with a name like Willy Wonka, it was only a matter of time.
Available on eBay
7. Lip Shaped Money Box, $12.48
Because actually eating money is incredibly unsanitary. And it takes way longer to…shall we say, make a withdrawal.
Available on eBay
8. Mini Claw Machine, $52.49
Nothing says “I love you” like “I am willing to give you this machine that will surely elicit unmatched rage and bring out your worst traits.” At least we have popcorn.
Available at Personalization Mall
9. The Ultimate Everything Exotic Jerky Pack, $54.99
This 27-piece beef jerky set is the best way we’ve found to enjoy 27 meat sticks without risking an STD.
Available at Jerky Dynasty
10. Huge Dick Candle, $29.77
We hope for the sake of thoroughness that this candle comes with a wick that’s extra long.
Available at Deals XS
11. One Way Ticket To Pound Town, $5
Insert joke about riding the caboose that will ruin all whimsical childhood associations with trains. You’ll never be able to watch Thomas the Tank Engine the same again. But also, why are you still watching that?
Available on Etsy
12. Cum Rag, $5
For the environmentalist in your life who doesn’t want to waste any more paper towels, now presenting: a cum rag. Laundry detergent is highly encouraged.
Available on Etsy
13. Customizable Teddy Bear, $35.99
You can choose your custom text, but we highly recommend the cheeky options offered by the seller, including: “Sorry I’m not Jason Momoa,” and “No, that fart was not poop.” Took the words right out of our mouths.
Available on Etsy
14. Cupid is Stupid Spoon, $19.46
Do you want to spoon in theory, but hate actual human contact? This is your solution. All the spooning, none of the arm falling asleep.
Available on Etsy
15. Love Pills, $28.99
As much as these love pills look like candy, we assure you they are not. Once again, they are not candy. But they will feed your soul, if that’s any consolation. Although you should probably pair them with some mac and cheese just to be safe.
Available on Etsy
16. Jar of Air, $5.25+
Here is an imaginative way of telling your partner that you *did* notice them eyeing the artisan jam at the farmer’s market, but couldn’t remember if they were allergic to strawberries.
Available on Etsy
17. Pat Your Ass Custom Bobblehead, $79.95
Maybe it’s because we’re not up to date on the trendiest bobble heads, but we think this idea is brand-spankin’ new.
Available at My Custom Bobbleheads
18. Valentine’s Buttholes
You know those chocolate oranges? These are not those.
Available on Amazon
19. Belly Button Cleaner, $25.95
This is marketed as a lucky belly button cleaner, which is kind of just rubbing salt in the wound that we’re not lucky enough to have naturally clean belly buttons. How very passive aggressive. Which just so happens to be your love language!
Available at Mophonic
20. Body Chocolate, $15.39
Pair this body chocolate with the above gift and have at it without any fear of choking on belly button lint. That’s what they call “loving freely.”
Available at Personalization Mall
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